Noticing patterns. Staying Small.
Noticing patterns. Staying Small.
And doing something different by taking a leap of faith into the unknown
When you pause to pay attention, you start seeing patterns. These can be patterns of behaviours, patterns in nature or crochet patterns (just kidding!) I read somewhere that our brains are pattern seeking machines. Perhaps this is why when you look at clouds you start seeing animals or faces. Or when you are tuned into something specific you desire, you start seeing this item everywhere.
This week I decided to take it easy. I have been battling a head cold / sinus infection for the past 10 days or so, and it left me with less energy than normal. Workwise things are not that hectic which means there are a good amount of flexibility available and meant I could prioritise taking things slower without any “repercussions”, meaning having to reschedule or re prioritise.
I am grateful for the ability to steer my own schedule, which is a major perk as a self-employed person. If I didn’t have this, some of the challenges that comes with being self-employed may outweigh the benefits of it.
As the week went along, I started to notice that perhaps my intentions of pushing out tasks such as writing my newsletter or showing my face on Instagram, was not entirely due to a lack of energy.
When being honest with myself I also noticed the old familiar pattern of hiding, of staying small.
I spent the majority of July, recording and editing my upcoming podcast, The Joyful Nourishment Podcast, which launches next Friday 25th of August, and now that the day of it going live is almost here, I find myself not really wanting to promote it. Part reason for this is that it took a good bit of my energy to get the full season ready, edited uploaded etc. so I probably need a bout of slower time to recover.
But… digging deeper I realised that this is not the full truth. Putting my work and voice out there in this new format feels vulnerable. What will people (you) think? Who do I think I am to host a podcast? Am I good enough? Do I know enough?
Old familiar patterns of hiding, of not feeling good enough, alongside another old friend, perfectionism. Perfectionism most often shows up for me as procrastination. Because you can’t fail if you never get started, eh? The first season of the podcast is ready to go, so I made it through that part of the desire to procrastinate. But… the other form it is taking is: If I don’t mention it much, then no one will find it, and it all will be well. (Meaning if no one listens to it, there’s no risk of criticism)
Perfectionism can be useful. It can help us do quality work. It can help us have high standards. However, it gets in our way when doing something perfect means it will never be good enough.
It is also important to remember that perfectionism is a protective mechanism. It is there to try and keep us safe. It promises us that if you can do it perfectly, no one can criticise you. This means we don’t run the risk of being ostracised from our tribe / community. Back in the day, being kicked out of your community would have had dire consequences, even death, as survival depended on being part of the group.
In today’s world not being liked might not have the same impact, though you can argue that in the internet land of cancel culture, cyber bullying and mob mentality, it can still have dire consequences. Hence a desire to keep hiding, to keep staying small.
My first podcast episode is about my story. And I think that this contributes a little extra to my internal feelings of wanting to hide. But change comes with doing something different from what you normally do. Which is also so true for disordered eating recovery.
Pema Chödron writes in her book Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change;
As human beings we share a tendency to scramble for certainty whenever we realise that everything around us is in flux. In difficult times the stress of trying to find solid ground – something predictable and safe to stand on – seems to identify. But in truth the very nature of our existence is forever in flux. Everything keeps changing, whether we are aware of it or not.
That is just it. The only thing that is certain is that life itself is uncertain. I don’t know what the future holds, or how my podcast will be received. And I can’t control it.
What I can do, is trust in my belief that if the podcast will be helpful to just one person, then me getting out of my own way, will be worth it.
May it be of benefit.
With blessings,
Linn
You can listen to the Joyful Nourishment Podcast when it comes out next week, right here in your inbox, or on the Substack App.
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It's great that you have this self awareness Linn, that in itself can be very powerful. There are so many patterns that we inherit from our ancestors that can be thrown up when we start to show up and express ourselves. I look forward to catching your podcast very soon! 🙏
Perfectionism, my old friend. It’s wild, I so relate to that feeling of doing something, creating something, educating yourself in an area, and then not wanting to actually put it out into the world or do the work you were training to do. Because what if, after all the prep, you still get it wrong? What if others don’t value your work the way you thought they would?
I know I really enjoyed the mindful cup of tea I had ‘with you’ a couple months ago, and am curious about your story coming next week! Something I love about substack is the support between writers, and I hope you find that in this new venture!